The Troll Groom
by GemCrafted
Summary: John is given a special book from Jake when he's sick, a mysterious book with an old, golden cover and no title. What is this story? What if it's based on a famous movie? And what if the characters have been swapped for John's friends? (Ships: Davekat)
1. Prologue

**Hey guys! Welcome to the first chapter of "The Troll Groom"! I know, I have been procrastinating a lot on my other stories and I'm really sorry. However, I've had this idea in my mind for months and I just had to make it happen. So anyways, I hope you all enjoy!**

**P.S. I will be typing with the troll's quirks mainly so the dialogue doesn't get confusing about who's talking and stuff. Don't like, don't read. **

**NOTE: I do not own "The Princess Bride" or "Homestuck"**

* * *

**_John's P.O.V._  
**

I watch excitedly as my favorite part of "Con Air" plays on my tv. Even though I've seen this movie so many times, I still tear up at this very scene. I wipe my eyes with the tissue that I've been clenching tightly for a few minutes and watch Nic Cage handing that precious, dirty bunny to his little daughter. I hear my bedroom door open and look up, ready to tell my dad that eating cake when I'm sick is not a good idea, when I see Jake standing there. "Hi Jake!" I greet him enthusiastically, happy to see him and not my dad. "Johnny boy! Good to see you, old chap!" he grins and closes my door behind him.

I sit up excitedly as he walks over to me and sits down at the edge of my bed. "So, young lad, how have you fared?" he asks. I shrug and adjust my glasses, smiling sheepishly. Suddenly, I start coughing and cover my mouth with my hands quickly. Jake grimaces "Not too well, it seems." His smile returns quickly as he pulls out a dark green parcel out of his jacket pocket and places it on my lap gently. I wipe my hands with a tissue and pick up the parcel curiously. "What is this?" I ask him. He grins "Oh, just a present from me to you." My smile grows "Thank you so much!" I say eagerly, and look back down at the item in my hands. He chuckles "Oh, it was no problem, really."

I tear off the wrapping somewhat carefully and in my hands rests a gigantic book that has a frayed, dirty golden cover but no title. I look up at him curiously. Jake laughs again "Oh come on, John, don't give me that look!" I quickly snap out of my daze. "Right, sorry. So... what is this book?" He reaches over and pats the book while saying "This, my dear friend, is the most amazing story that I'm proud of owning. Well, once owning." "Wow..." I breathe in, slowly thumbing through the pages. I catch glimpses of words and phrases every now and then, sometimes even in different colors and fonts. Wait, are those actual numbers being used instead of vowels?

I also notice a lot of swear words and furrow my brow as I look up at Jake. "Is this an adult book?" I can't help but ask. He laughs loudly and shakes his head. "Haha, no way, young lad!" He leans a bit closer to me as he talks, his voice taking on an excited tone "This book you have in your hands has so much to behold! Adventure, excitement, justice, pursuits, ghosts, torture, disabilities, revenge, escapes, god tiers-" "God tiers?" I interrupt, but he keeps talking. "-friendship, pure hatred, jealousy, true love!" He finishes with a loud sigh, a hand to his heart, and a dreamy look at the ceiling.

"Um... Jake? Please tell me that all that doesn't happen in the same order?" Jake laughs mysteriously and shrugs. "I guess you'll have to read it and find out," he says, standing up and straightening his jacket. Jake walks over to my door and opens it, turning to me. "By the way, young lad, I highly recommend you read it all in one go. It truly is worth it." And on that note, he walks out of my bedroom, closing the door behind him. I sigh and turn my attention back to the book in my hands. I delicately open it up to see a page completely blank except for what must be the title, written in exquisite calligraphy: "The Troll Groom". Interesting, a romance book actually not about a girl for once. I smile and flip over the acknowledgements until I reach the first chapter on page five, and I begin reading immediately.

* * *

**Hope you guys enjoyed this brief and very vague introductory chapter! I've been writing this story in my binder at school for so long, I just had to make this a reality. Future chapters coming soon! With love, GemCrafted.  
**


	2. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! Welcome to the second chapter of "The Troll Groom!" Well, this will be the actual first chapter, since the last chapter was only the prologue. But anyways! For the next I have no idea how many chapters, this will all be the book that John's reading. By the way, I will try my hardest to keep this as canon as possible in the best ways possible, duh! By the way, I might throw in a few pesterlogs every now and then, please forgive me for them! They are necessary at certain points and I promise that there will be very few pesterlogs. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy!**

**NOTE: I do not own "The Princess Bride" or "Homestuck".**

**WARNING: There shall be a crapload of swearing because come on, we're talking about Homestuck here. Don't like, don't read. Sorry haters! :P**

* * *

_**Story Time!**_

Once upon a time, in a land called Alternia, there lived a troll by the name of Karkat Vantas. He was raised by a loving crab-like creature called Crabdad, who loved him dearly. Karkat lived in a hive, which in turn was surrounded by many other hives similar to his. These hives were known as a hivestem. The trolls in this hivestem were all around Karkat's age and were very good friends, but he never left his hive to go and communicate with them. You see, Karkat was a mutant with bright red blood, and if any of the other trolls, or worse, the royal empress discovered this, he would be culled. Therefore, he always stayed at home with his lusus to keep safe.

He would get quite lonely at times, so he downloaded a chat device on his husktop called Trollian and registered himself as an anonymous troll called carcinoGeneticist. His chat color was always gray, out of fear that someone would discover his blood color. Karkat met several trolls online and he even made a few friends despite his secret. He grew to love watching romantic comedies and would watch them all the time. His life, although mostly uneventful and dull, was one that Karkat wouldn't trade for the world. However... he did always feel that something was missing from his life, but he just couldn't figure out what.

One day, Karkat was resting his head on his hands and sitting down in front of his husktop. He was just starting to fall asleep when suddenly the husktop dinged with the familiar sound of a new message. Karkat groaned and sat up, opening Trollian and was ready to tell whoever this asshole was to shut the hell up and let him sleep. However, this wasn't one of his friends trying to piss him off.

**_[turntechGodhead has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist] _**

**TG: yo**

_What the fuck?! _Karkat thought as he examined the username with interest. _This guy has bright red text. Is he crazy? He should know better than to reveal his blood color like that! That dumb fuck. He's probably going to be culled any day now._ Since he had nothing better to do, Karkat decided to just message this guy and tell him to leave him the fuck alone.

_**[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling turntechGodhead]**_

**CG: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT.**

Okay, maybe that wasn't exactly telling him to go away, but Karkat didn't care. If this guy was to talk in red text, so be it. As long as he didn't get himself culled for talking to this other mutant, Karkat might as well just see what his deal was.

**TG: whoa, calm the fuck down. ive done nothing wrong**

**CG: THAT'S GREAT. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.  
**

**TG: aww, that sucks. not even one?**

**CG: FOR SOME DUMBASS MUTANT WHO'S GOING TO END UP CULLED, NO.**

**TG: the hell do you mean, mutant?**

Whoa, what the fuck? What the hell is wrong with this dude?!

**CG: HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A MUTANT IS.**

**TG: i just dont. calm your overly heated and for whatever reason pissed off ass**

**CG: YEAH WELL FUCK YOU. AND CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT MY ASS? YOU DON'T EVEN GODDAMN KNOW ME.**

**TG: no but i have a feeling that im gonna end up knowing that ass real well**

Karkat let out a frustrated screech and face palmed angrily before responding.

**CG: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU MORONIC PIECE OF DUMBASSERY. **

**CG: I SWEAR TO FUCK, YOU ARE THE LIVING DEFINITION OF THE OVERLY COCKY AND DIPSHIT TROLL WHO THINKS NO, I WON'T GET CULLED BY THE EMPRESS BECAUSE I'M THE COOLEST PIECE OF SHIT ON ALTERNIA. WELL GUESS WHAT, FUCKLAMP? YOU'RE GODDAMN WRONG. NOW IF YOU DON'T DAMN MIND, I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP. SO FUCK OFF.**

_**[carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling turntechGodhead]**_

**TG: wait no **

**TG: get back here i wasnt done talking to you  
**

After sending the message, Karkat started to stand up from his chair when his husktop dinged twice. _God fucking damn it, what does this asshole want now?! _he thought as he sat back down in his chair and reopened up Trollian.

_**[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling turntechGodhead]**_

**CG: THAT'S GODDAMN SPECTACULAR. WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW.  
**

**TG: well for starters**

**TG: i am the coolest piece of shit out there**

**TG: and im a piece of shit because its ironic that the coolest guy ever is calling himself a piece of shit oh yeah**

**TG: but yeah like who the hell is this empress**

**TG: and why would she just kill me for no reason**

**CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD. YOU'RE STUPIDER THAN I THOUGHT. OKAY, IF YOU'RE SO STUPID, WHAT'S YOUR BLOOD COLOR?**

**TG: uh red obviously **

**CG: LIKE BRIGHT RED OR RUST RED?**

**TG: why does it matter what color my blood is**

**CG: BECAUSE, DUMBASS, IF YOU HAVE BRIGHT RED BLOOD, YOU'RE TO BE CULLED INSTANTLY. YOU SHOULD GODDAMN KNOW THIS BY NOW.**

**TG: okay thats great. whats your blood color then**

**CG: THERE IS NO DAMN WAY THAT I'M TRUSTING YOU WITH THAT. FUCK OFF.**

**TG: wait youre making me tell you about my blood but you wont tell me yours  
**

**CG: YEAH. DEAL WITH IT.**

**TG: ...**

**TG: youre a mutant arent you**

**CG: WAIT WHAT? FUCK NO. A THOUSAND TIMES NO.**

**TG: dude i honestly dont give a shit im just asking**

**CG: WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW.**

**TG: because youre being so secretive about it. like damn its only blood, whats the big deal**

**CG: HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU SAY THAT. IT'S NOT JUST BLOOD, IT'S BASICALLY YOUR WHOLE GODDAMN EXISTENCE. WHAT KIND OF TROLL ARE YOU IF YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE HEMOSPECTRUM AND YOUR OWN BLOOD COLOR?!**

**TG: see thats the thing, im not a troll**

Karkat sat still for a whole three minutes at that message, his mouth wide open with shock and surprise.

**TG: yo you there or what**

**CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, YOU AREN'T A TROLL?**

**TG: well theres something called a human. ever heard of them**

**CG: OH YEAH, THOSE STUPID LITTLE SHITS WHO CAN'T DO ANYTHING. A FEW OF MY FRIENDS TALK TO THOSE FUCKERS EVERY NOW AND THEN.**

**TG: yeah well i am a human and i think i speak for all of humankind when i say that was not cool bro  
**

**CG: TOO FUCKING BAD. GO CHOKE ON A BONE BULGE FOR ALL I CARE.**

**TG: id love to but youre on a totally different planet and im too lazy for space travel**

**CG: WAIT WHAT THE GLOBE SHITTING FUCK.**

**TG: pfft wow youre hella easy to mess with**

**CG: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP, SHITHEAD. **

**TG: nah, i dont feel like it**

**CG: UGHHHH. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME ANYWAYS?**

**TG: well i was bored and had nothing to do so i figured why the fuck not message random people on the internet and whoop-de-fucking-do i discovered aliens with just three clicks**

**CG: GODDAMN YOU'RE FUCKING OBNOXIOUS.**

**TG: wow shit let me just go tell bro that the aliens think im psycho oh noo**

**CG: YEAH, YOU BETTER BE GODDAMN INTIMIDATED. AND WHO THE FUCK IS BRO?**

**TG: my older brother who like taught me a few things he basically knows everything and is awesome**

**CG: WHAT THE HELL IS AN 'OLDER BROTHER'.**

**TG: whoa shit you guys dont have siblings**

**TG: every days a damn school day**

**CG: ?!**

**TG: haha its a long story that im too lazy to tell right now  
**

**TG: anyways so yeah since youre like an alien and all**

**TG: how about we like get to know each other**

**CG: WHY WOULD I WANT TO TELL YOU ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF. YOU'RE A STRANGER.**

**TG: whoop, stranger danger. better watch out cause like im gonna totally tell the world that ive met the aliens and theyre actually a bunch of dicks who wont disclose private info**

**TG: like dude im not gonna hurt you im just a regular guy**

**TG: besides you seem pretty decent**

**CG: HOW CAN I KNOW THAT I CAN TRUST YOU.**

**TG: see thats the thing, you dont**

**TG: so mr carcinogeneticist, are you gonna trust me by telling me all your dirty little secrets or what **

**TG: or ms carcinogeneticist**

**TG: wait no mrs**

**TG: youre totally a mrs and youve got hella dirty secrets thats why you dont trust anyone**

**TG: what have you been hiding mrs geneticist**

**TG: are you cheating on me**

At this point, Karkat got so frustrated that he started banging his fist on his head while he was resting his head on the keyboard.

**CG: A;SELFJA;DJFKLJADKL;FJ AIJAFSDL NA9PIORJFAOBRUIFA VMI AIWUE I VJIIDFKJA JOEDIFJ IODF ADKFN **

**CG: KDFJAAFL;KSDJFKAS; LSDKF A;SDLIFAU KSDFJ ADKFJ DKLF ASDKF D AKSDFJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ**

**TG: whoa shit thats a lot of dirty secrets hot damn**

**TG: you whore, mrs geneticist**

**TG: shame on you**

Karkat angrily picked up his head and responded by banging on the keyboard as hard as he could.

**CG: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I WAS JUST BANGING MY HEAD ON THE GODDAMN KEYBOARD BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT.**

**TG: well crap there goes my new best bro**

**TG: we were gonna be like friends for life yo**

**TG: like i was gonna be the maid of honor at your wedding**

**CG: WHAT**

**CG: THE**

**CG: EVERLOVING**

**CG: SHIT.**

**TG: i had the dress all planned out and everything**

**TG: for shame, dude**

**TG: cancelling last minute, that is not cool**

**TG: think of the children**

**CG: THE FUCK ARE CHILDREN?!**

**TG: holy crap youve totally lost it**

**TG: someone call nine one one weve got an insane space alien on our hands**

**TG: yeah this is nine one one what the fuck do you want**

**TG: well you see mr nine one one ive got an insane space alien on the computer and he appears to be losing his mind**

**CG: RRRAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHGHHHHHHHH!**

**TG: and that, my friend, is exactly the reason why youre going cuckoo**

**TG: theres a time in every young mans life when all they say is rrraaaauuuugggghhhh and they turn into a psycho and their friends and loved ones can do nothing but watch in horror and dismay**

At this point, Karkat stood up and had to walk away from the husktop for a few minutes to calm down poor Crabdad, who'd been screeching in alarm and panic for over half an hour. Once he'd calmed him down, Karkat came back to his desk to see that this damn human just would. not. stop. messaging. him.

**TG: yo but like seriously **

**TG: are you okay man  
**

**TG: or woman whatever**

**TG: you havent responded in a while**

**TG: okay its been like three minutes  
**

**TG: but thats still a while **

Karkat sighed and sat back down at the desk, typing out a reply.

**CG: YEAH, I'M HERE.**

**CG: SORRY, I HAD TO GO CALM DOWN MY NUTCASE LUSUS. **

**TG: the hell is a lusus**

**CG: IT'S BASICALLY THIS ANIMAL-LIKE CREATURE THAT CHOOSES YOU AFTER YOU HATCH AND THEN TAKES CARE OF YOU UNTIL YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP AND THEN YOU TAKE CARE OF THE LUSUS AND BASICALLY BECOME A GODDAMN ZOOKEEPER.**

**CG: I MEAN, I LOVE MY LUSUS AND ALL BUT HE'S SUCH A FUCKING PAIN IN THE ASS.**

**TG: oh well okay then**

**TG: and back to you telling me about yourself**

**TG: how about i at least have a name to match the boring gray text**

**CG: UGH... FINE. MY NAME IS KARKAT.**

**TG: is that like your full name, like you dont even have a last name**

**TG: you trolls are fucking weird**

**CG: IT'S VANTAS. KARKAT VANTAS.**

**TG: okay sweet so are you a guy or girl **

**CG: GUY.**

**TG: nice i couldnt tell thanks for clearing that up**

**CG: FUCK YOU.**

**TG: wow you dont know anything about me and you want to fuck me already hot damn**

**TG: its the strider charm yo**

**TG: cant keep those alien ladies away from this sexy beast**

**CG: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU CONCEITED ASSHOLE.**

**TG: nah i dont feel like it**

**CG: UGH. WHAT'S YOUR SHITTY HUMAN NAME OR WHATEVER.**

**TG: oh so now you care about me and my shit**

**CG: I NEVER SAID THAT I CARED ABOUT YOU, I JUST WANT TO KNOW YOUR FUCKING NAME.**

**TG: calm down there bro **

**TG: dont be a**

**TG: _vantass_**

**CG: I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD.**

**TG: yo chill the hell out**

**CG: JUST TELL ME YOUR DAMN NAME.**

**TG: are you sure you wanna know my name**

**CG: YES.**

**TG: is that your final answer  
**

**CG: YES.**

**TG: are you absolutely positively sure about that**

**CG: FUCKING YES NOW GODDAMN TELL ME!**

**TG: hahaha i think i just won karkat freakout bingo**

**CG: JUST TELL ME. YOUR FUCKING. NAME.**

**TG: well then**

**TG: my name is**

**TG: dave**

**TG: dave strider**

**TG: ha you thought i was gonna bullshit you there but i didnt**

**TG: the one time you expect bullshit is when i dont bullshit**

**TG: oh the irony  
**

**TG: dear, sweet, precious irony**

**TG: what would i do without it**

**CG: PROBABLY CHOKE TO DEATH ON A VILE RAGE SNAKE CALLED BOREDOM.**

**TG: yeah, probably**

**TG: so anyways i must go**

**CG: WAIT WHAT. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING.**

**TG: my dear, sweet, precious bro is calling me to the rooftop to kick my ass **

**CG: WHY.**

**CG: WHY DO YOU EVEN.**

**TG: also im trying to make a dramatic exit here, karkat**

**TG: show some damn respect**

**CG: WHAT THE FUCK EVER. **

**CG: ...**

**CG: ARE YOU GOING TO CONTINUE BOTHERING ME WITH YOUR BULLSHIT?**

**TG: hell**

**TG: fucking**

**TG: yes**

**CG: FUCK MY LIFE.**

**TG: oh come on, you love it already**

**CG: WAIT WHAT?! NO I DON'T!**

**TG: ahahahaha you totally do i knew it**

**CG: I JUST MET YOU, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF RED SHIT!**

**TG: eww, red shit. gross. didnt know you were into that**

**CG: I'M NOT!**

**TG: thats what they all say**

**TG: but they just cant stay away from this fucking piece of red shit that is me**

**TG: its not my fault that im irresistable **

_**[turntechGodhead has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist]**_

Karkat sighed in annoyance and placed his face in his hands. Somehow, he just knew that this Dave guy was really going to get on his nerves.

* * *

**That's all for now, folks! If you'd like to, drop me a rate and/or a review. Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and I shall see you in the next chapter of whatever I make next! (Heads up, it might end up being a totally new story.) Have a great day/morning/afternoon/evening!**


	3. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! Welcome to the second chapter of "The Troll Groom"! I have to say, this story is really fun to write! I have a lot of ideas and I really hope that you'll love reading them as much as I love writing them! Anyways, on with the show!**

**NOTE: I do not own "Homestuck" or "The Princess Bride".**

* * *

_**Story Time!**_

Karkat grew to a routine of answering his messages about a half hour after he woke up. Originally, Dave would just pester him until the husktop dinging would wake him up and he would be annoyed with everyone and everything around him for the rest of the day. After about a month or so, Karkat began waking up on his own so the husktop would quit pissing him off. Karkat learned all about Dave and gradually began to share things about himself to him as well. He even looked forward to his daily chats with Dave; they were the interesting moments where he quickly learned to not assume anything about his new friend, because literally anything could and would happen in those conversations. For three years, the two of them grew quite close and talked about just about anything and everything.

On this particular day, Karkat was having a long discussion with Dave about the use of buckets in their individual societies.

**CG: I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S FUCKING GROSS THAT YOU GUYS USE BUCKETS AS CLEANING DEVICES.**

**TG: no, whats gross is that you guys put your genetic material in those fuckers. like goddamn, thats nasty shit yo**

**CG: WHAT'S NASTY IS THE THOUGHT OF SOMEONE CLEANING WITH A BUCKET. THEY AREN'T MEANT FOR CLEANING UP MESSES WITH! THEY'RE MEANT FOR... WELL... YOU KNOW WHAT.**

**TG: dude thats just disgusting like why the fuck do you keep it in buckets anyways like do you just keep that shit for a midnight snack or what**

**CG: EWW! THAT'S JUST... BLEUGH!**

**TG: damn i called it**

**TG: gross is the word, my horny friend**

**CG: OH HA HA, DAVE. THAT JOKE WAS SO FUNNY, I THINK I'M GOING TO SHIT RAINBOW SPARKLES OF THIS EMOTION YOU CALL FRIENDSHIP OUT OF MY EYES.**

**TG: now thats whats gross, bro. please dont do that**

**TG: and weve been over this, friendship isnt an emotion**

**CG: OH WHATEVER.**

**CG: I HONESTLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT AT THIS POINT.**

**CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S A DAMN VIRUS, AND YOU INFECTED ME WITH IT.**

**CG: CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS, DAVE STRIDER. YOU'VE INFECTED AN ALIEN SPECIES WITH YOUR STUPID GODDAMN FRIENDSHIP SHIT.**

**TG: yeah thats bullshit, all i did was message you nonstop and eventually you would message back**

**CG: EXACTLY. ISN'T THAT WHAT FRIENDSHIP IS TO YOU ANYWAYS?**

**TG: yes and no**

**TG: a true friend would give me aj**

**CG: THE FUCK IS AJ.**

**TG: oh my god you guys dont have apple juice**

**TG: you poor souls**

**TG: god have mercy on you**

**CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS AN APPLE JUICE.**

**TG: dude when we meet up you should totally have aj**

**TG: its the beverage of the gods, my friend**

**CG: THE GODS.**

**TG: yeah**

**CG: ASSUMING THAT GODS ACTUALLY ARE REAL AND NOT JUST A FIGMENT OF SOME PATHETIC LITTLE WEAKLING'S IMAGINATION, AND ALSO ASSUMING THAT THEY HAVE THE POWER TO CONSUME A HUMAN BEVERAGE, YOU JUST AUTOMATICALLY GUESS THAT THEY PURELY AND ONLY DRINK YOUR SO CALLED "APPLE JUICE".**

**TG: yeah**

**CG: YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE.**

**TG: i know**

**CG: YOU'RE AN IDIOT.**

**TG: yes but im _your _idiot**

**CG: WAIT WHAT THE FUCK?**

**TG: haha **

**CG: UUUUGGGGGHHHHH. DAVE STRIDER, FUCK YOU.**

**TG: you wish**

**CG: OH FUCK OFF.**

**TG: nah**

**TG: karkat weve been over this**

**TG: im not going anywhere**

**TG: and im staying for your own good**

**CG: THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY THAT.**

**TG: i know youd miss me too much if i just up and ditched you**

**TG: so i wont**

**TG: im not that big of a douche**

**CG: WOOOW. FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I WOULD BE PERFECTLY FINE WITHOUT YOU.**

**TG: really now? since when**

**CG: THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. **

**CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, I DON'T NEED YOU.**

**CG: I CAN LIVE WITHOUT SOME ASSHOLE HUMAN "COOLKID". **

**TG: thats what they all say**

**TG: karkat you dont know how good you got it**

**TG: but when im gone youre gonna miss me so fucking much**

**TG: you wont know what to do with yourself**

**CG: YEAH RIGHT. **

**TG: okay so i guess ill get going then**

**TG: see ya**

_**[turntechGodhead has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist]**_

**CG: DAVE?**

**CG: WAIT NO COME BACK!**

**CG: DAMMIT DAVE GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!**

**CG: FUCK**

**CG: MY**

**CG: LIFE.**

_**[turntechGodhead has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist]**_

**TG: haha see i told you dude**

**TG: you just cant live without me**

**CG: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, DAVE. **

**CG: FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHIT.**

**TG: hey, its not my fault im irresistible**

**TG: and especially to you**

**CG: HEY!**

**CG: THAT IS SUCH BULLCRAP. **

**TG: yo im not the one who flipped my shit**

**TG: that was all you**

**TG: you did good**

**TG: im proud of you**

**CG: UGH. REMIND ME WHY I EVEN PUT UP WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.**

**TG: karkat we just went over this**

**TG: damn your attention span is worse than harleys**

**CG: AND MIGHT I ASK, WHAT THE HELL IS A HARLEYS.**

**TG: pffft ahahahaha**

**TG: "what the hell is a harleys"**

**TG: and the oscar for quote of the year goes to... **

**TG: me **

**TG: because fuck you haha**

**CG: ...**

**CG: I'M SO FUCKING DONE WITH YOUR SHIT, DAVE.**

**TG: well thats too bad for you**

**TG: cause im not going anywhere**

**CG: AND WHY NOT?**

**TG: like i said, it would do more harm to you than to me**

**TG: actually it wouldnt be a bad idea for me to just like quit pestering you**

**TG: i could have a life for once**

**TG: but nah**

**TG: im blowing off having a life for you, karkat**

**TG: i hope youre happy**

**CG: SURE, DAVE. **

**TG: aw yeah**

Karkat sighed and was about to ask Dave about who or what this "harleys" thing was, but at that very moment, his computer dinged and it wasn't a new message from Mr. Human Asshole.

_**[caligulasAquarium has begun trolling carcinoGeneticist]**_

**CA: hey kar**

Karkat raised an eyebrow at the husktop screen, eyeing it down warily. Eridan hadn't messaged him in at least three sweeps, and the last time they talked was because he needed love advice, like usual. _Why the hell not just see what he wants_, Karkat reasoned with himself. He clicked on Eridan's trolltag and opened a log. By doing so, he accidentally closed down his chat with Dave.

_**[carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling turntechGodhead]**_

**_[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling caligulasAquarium]_**

**CG: DAMN, LONG TIME NO SEE. **

**CG: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN.**

**CA: busy doin things**

**CG: YEAH, I FIGURED AS MUCH.**

**CA: kar please i really need to talk to you**

**CG: CAN IT WAIT? **

**CA: it's really important **

**CG: HOLD ON, I NEED TO FINISH... UH... DOING SOMETHING.**

**_[carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling caligulasAquarium]_**

Karkat glanced at the chat he had going with Dave, in which he had been messaging him constantly.

**TG: yo karkat you still there**

**TG: okay come on**

**TG: i get it that youre mad**

**TG: sorry or whatever**

**TG: just get back here**

**TG: ugh come on **

**TG: dont be an asshole just get back here**

**TG: wait no you kind of are an asshole**

**TG: but like still**

**TG: get the hell back here**

**TG: ...**

**TG: please karkat**

**TG: just come the hell back**

**TG: im sorry if i pissed you off**

**TG: ill just go **

**TG: and never talk to you again**

**TG: if thats what you want**

Karkat couldn't help but laugh out loud as he typed back his response as quickly as he could.

_**[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling turntechGodhead]**_

**TG: okay so here i go**

**TG: goodbye karkat**

**TG: i am gone**

**CG: WAIT WHOA WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING.**

**TG: damn that actually worked**

**TG: i should try whistling next time**

**CG: OKAY CAN YOU NOT.**

**CG: LOOK, ONE OF MY FRIENDS JUST GOT ONLINE AND I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM FOR ABOUT THREE SWEEPS. CAN WE PLEASE TALK LATER OR SOMETHING? HE SAYS THAT HE NEEDS TO TALK TO ME AND IT'S IMPORTANT. **

**TG: damn it sounds like hes about to propose**

**TG: i just wanna let you know that i love you no matter what**

**TG: and some jealous bitchy fishhead wont get in the way of our love**

**CG: WAIT WHAT? NO. HE'S NOT GOING TO PROPOSE.**

**TG: thats what they all say**

**TG: then boom, ring on the finger**

**CG: UGH, WHATEVER. BUT SERIOUSLY THOUGH. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, OKAY?**

**TG: alright**

**TG: have fun with your husband**

**TG: and remember to use buckets to save your genetic material for fucking forever or whatever idk**

_**[turntechGodhead has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist]**_

Karkat felt bad about having to stop chatting with Dave so soon, he really did. But Eridan needed him for some fucking reason, and they'd been friends for sweeps.

_**[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling caligulasAquarium]**_

**CG: OKAY, I'M BACK.**

**CA: wwelcome back, kar**

**CG: THANKS. SO, WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?**

**CA: wwell, a lot of things really**

**CG: I DON'T HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE GODDAMN UNIVERSE. JUST TELL ME.**

**CA: wwoww kar, impatient much? it's been three swweeps since wwe'vve gotten to talk**

**CG: AND WHO'S FAULT IS THAT? I'VE BEEN HERE. DOING ABSOLUTELY JACK SHIT.**

**CA: wwell i'vve been meanin to contact you, obvviously, but a lot a things came up**

**CG: THAT'S GREAT. JUST TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE UP TO.**

**CA: okay so you knoww howw fef and i are moirails right?**

**CG: OBVIOUSLY. YOU USED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW YOU WERE STUCK IN 'THE MOIRAIL ZONE' FOR FUCKING FOREVER.**

**CA: wwell, i'm gonna let her knoww howw i feel tonight**

**CG: WHY NOW. WHY NOT LATER, OR NEVER.**

**CA: because she's our future empress, kar! her coronation is in a feww days from noww anywways**

**CG: AND ARE YOU SURE IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO PISS HER OFF RIGHT BEFORE SHE TAKES CONTROL OF ALTERNIA. **

**CA: wwell, i don't think i'll be pissin her off. or at least i hope not**

**CG: DOES SHE EVEN HAVE A MATESPRIT?**

**CA: not that i knoww of**

**CG: WELL WHAT IF SHE DOES HAVE ONE? THEN YOU'RE FUCKED.**

**CA: yeah, that's true. but come on, kar, let me havve hope for once!**

**CG: SURE, GO AHEAD. GOOD LUCK.**

**CA: thanks. so howw about you? havve you gotten any quadrants filled lately?**

**CG: UH... KIND OF.**

**CA: oh really? wwhich one? and wwhen did it all happen?**

**CG: WELL... IT ALL STARTED ABOUT THREE SWEEPS AGO, ACTUALLY. **

**CA: oh boy. go on**

**CG: I WAS FUCKING AROUND ON MY HUSKTOP AND SUDDENLY THIS RANDOM GUY MESSAGES ME.**

**CG: SO I ASK HIM WHAT HE WANTS AND WE END UP TALKING FOR A WHILE.**

**CG: SO YEAH, LONG STORY SHORT, WE'VE BEEN TALKING TO EACH OTHER EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST THREE SWEEPS.**

**CG: AND I HAVE TO ADMIT, I REALLY LOOK FORWARD TO WHEN I GET THE CHANCE TO TALK TO HIM.**

**CA: oh wwoww. wwhat's his name?**

**CG: UH... HE WON'T TELL ME HIS NAME.**

**CA: ooh, a mystery man! wwhat about his blood color?**

**CG: HE WOULDN'T TELL ME THAT, EITHER.**

**CA: goddamn, kar. it's your fuckin soulmate**

**CG: YEAH, TOTALLY.**

**CA: so tell me about him, wwhat's he like?**

Karkat couldn't help but smile a bit as he typed his response, making sure to talk about everything that he loved about Dave.

**CA: wwoww, you really like this guy don't you?**

**CG: YEAH, I GUESS I DO.**

**CA: you guess? kar, if this is just guessin then i havve no idea wwhat it means to be flushed for someone**

**CG: OH HA HA, IT'S JUST A SMALL CRUSH.**

**CA: come on, quit lyin about it! i can tell that you're flushed for him**

**CA: and this ain't just some tiny fling, kar**

**CG: WELL FUCK, OKAY THEN. SO WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT?**

**CA: hmm... i wwould say find out if he has a matesprit**

**CG: YEAH, I KNOW HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE.**

**CA: howw can you be so sure?**

**CG: HE'S A FUCKING COOL KID, A PLAYER.**

**CG: HE'S PROBABLY NOT THE KIND WHO WOULD HAVE A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP. **

**CA: that sucks. wwhy wwould you evven feel flushed for a douche like that?**

**CG: HEY, IT'S NOT MY DAMN FAULT.**

**CA: wwell...**

**CG: SHUT UP.**

**CG: I DIDN'T MEAN TO.**

**CA: wwell of course, kar. nobody does**

**CA: but sometimes wwe can't help but fall in lovve wwith someone wwho wwe're not supposed to even knoww**

**CG: YEAH, YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.**

**CA: i just wwant you to knoww that i knoww howw you feel**

**CG: REALLY? HOW.**

**CA: it's a long story**

**CA: but let me tell you from first hand experience**

**CA: forbidden lovve is alwways the wworst**

**CA: and especially if it's one sided**

**CG: SHIT, THAT SUCKS. **

**CA: yeah, it really fuckin does**

**CA: you just try and ignore it but it'll never go awway**

**CA: and it doesn't help tryin to ignore them for a wwhile**

**CG: FUCK. UH. I'M SORRY YOU'VE HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT.**

**CA: the wworst part about it all, kar?**

**CA: i still fuckin go through it evvery day**

**CG: WITH FEFERI?**

**CA: wwell, her too**

**CG: OH. **

**CG: WAIT, SO YOU HAVE TWO FLUSH CRUSHES?**

**CA: yeah**

**CG: AND YOU'VE KEPT THIS HIDDEN FROM ME? WOW. YOU'RE GETTING GOOD AT HIDING SHIT.**

**CA: thanks i guess**

There was a moment of silence as Karkat tried to figure out what to talk about next. Just as he was about to leave, the husktop dinged twice.

**CA: look, kar, there's somefin i'vve been meanin to tell you for a wwhile noww**

**CA: anywways uh, i'm not really shore how to say this but...**

Karkat clicked on the other new message before Eridan could finish and couldn't help but smile when he saw who it was.

_**[carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling caligulasAquarium]**_

_**[turntechGodhead has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist]**_

**TG: hey karkat look im sorry i was a dick about your friend coming online**

**TG: okay just**

**TG: i got jealous and that wasnt cool**

**TG: but yeah like im sorry and all that shit**

_**[carcinoGeneticist has begun trolling turntechGodhead]**_

**CG: IT'S FINE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.**

**TG: oh okay sweet**

**TG: just like**

**TG: thanks for coming back**

**CG: NO PROBLEM. MY FRIENDS SUCK ANYWAYS.**

**TG: karkat, you have no clue how true that is**

**CG: SO ANYWAYS. I BELIEVE WE WERE TALKING ABOUT... UH. FUCK, I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.**

**TG: pretty sure it was about how epicly cool i am**

**TG: and how totally uncool you are**

**CG: THAT'S SUCH BULLSHIT! YOU ARE NOT COOL.**

**TG: oh excuse me**

**TG: im fabulous **

**TG: and youre just a jealous hater**

**CG: REMIND ME, WHAT'S THERE TO BE JEALOUS OF?**

**TG: oh, just about everything**

**TG: i mean, im the second coolest guy out there**

**CG: SURE YOU ARE, DAVE.**

**CG: SO IF YOU'RE THE "SECOND COOLEST GUY", THEN WHO IS *THE* COOLEST? **

**TG: you really wanna know?**

**CG: I SWEAR TO GOD, DAVE. DON'T YOU DARE START WITH THAT SHIT AGAIN.**

**TG: ahahaha alright fine**

**TG: goddamn youre no fun**

**CG: WHATEVER. BUT YEAH. I JUST, UM. I'M REALLY GLAD TO HAVE YOU AS A FRIEND.**

**TG: heh thanks**

**TG: youre a pretty damn good friend too**

**CG: SO UH. BEST BROS?**

**TG: hell yeah**

**TG: best bros for life**

However, while Karkat and Dave continued to talk until one or the other would have to leave, a very upset prince stared at his husktop monitor with a final message typed out in purple text but he didn't have the courage to send it to his friend.

**CA: kar, i'm flushed for you**

* * *

**Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! So sorry about the delay for updating all of my stories. I am super lazy/busy/tired, although I've been planning out a lot, especially for this story! I promise, next time we'll have an actual story instead of just pesterlog after pesterlog. Thanks so much for sticking around, and I hope you all have a great day/morning/afternoon/night!**


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